For postal sake! Co-host Arik wants to do away with novelty postage stamps. Ruh Roh! He just slapped a Scooby-Doo stamp on a condolences card. Say, Carla, what kind of stamps they got down there in Burnt Corn, Alabama? “Well, we got ‘Merican flag stamps. And the tramp stamp.”

Co-host Garrett is fed up—literally—with cheesy dust. Seriously, do they lace Cheetos with DEET? That stuff burns off fingerprints!

Speaking of treats, you know that friend who you treat to a meal—over and over because they conveniently keep forgetting their wallet? Well, Carla’s fed up with them—as well as the skinny friend who can’t possibly eat one bite of her meal, plus punk kids who misbehave at the table. Screw eating out! She’s taking her hate napkin dispenser and dining in!

To ride the snooze button? Or to decapitate the snooze button rider? Just ask Garrett. Every married couple morning should begin with a bit of sunny-side up spite. Folks, there are snoozers and losers. And, well, boozers—Arik hasn’t even noticed his alarm going off for the past 25 years.

Finally, a hate debate! What’s worse: paper cuts, stubbed toes, or ingrown toenails? Yes, Pauly from Bali, we know your HPV warts hurt too.

#noveltyfleshlights

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