Season 1, Episode 55: Transformer Toys Rapture and Carla’s Cameltoe Banana Bread

What do you hate more than a co-host that never shows up? We are ready and the verdict is the Golden Corral Buffet is not so bad, but they still don’t carry Schindler’s List ribs. 

 

Tube Tops are making a comeback, at least on the THN airways of time waste. Should we reward bad behavior by naming the Kardashians?  Paul shares the remedy for watching reality TV and bad sitcoms. This episode has too much gratitude for a hate basket. 

 

Meanwhile, Arik is being spanked for watching the Transformers, and his 60 transformer toys were victims of the Rapture. 

 

Carla has the cure for childhood Leukemia: drink Lima bean juice. Preventing babies from being born may prevent all of these horrors and hate makes a comeback in this episode. Carla balances it all out with a daily affirmation. 

 

Walmart camel-toe versus old bananas, and Carla’s Cameltoe Banana Bread turns two negatives into a positive. We find there is no cure for Flat Earthers, Anti-vaxxers, and Eric Clapton.

 

Carla finally gets us to The Hate Napkin. Expert customers who want to pay for a job, but will criticize every step of the way. Whatever happened to do-it-yourselfers? Carla wants to draw chalk lines around one particular customer. Arik knows where he is going, do you?   He needs to have a woman in his back seat to tell his male customers to shut it. In the teaching world, teachers are also being rated and it is time to teach your own kids because Pauly quits. Hookers get immediate feedback and escaped Yelp.

 

Go Fund Me, Go Fund You! How many business days does it take for an ungrateful, greedy con artist to realize they just unfunded themselves? How about a Go Fund Me for a company that has no customer service and a few bucks for chicken feed for the support staff? We will all be better off when the animals take over unless Elon Musk gives us all the Ol’ Roy. 

 

Finally, plastic surgery makes The Hate Napkin. Carla claims to have no implants, it is all-natural Alabama. Arik brings up Katie Couric as an example of why plastic surgery is always wrong. It sounds like Carla is calling for a Go Fund Me, and Paul once again denies he is using mascara and hair dye to look like Jack Sparrow.   It doesn’t take Einstein to count the gray hairs that should be on set. Carla’s wrist lift surgery steals the wrapup of the show as it descends into the annals of hate. 

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puff-puff-puff. Welcome to another execrable episode—puff-puff-puff—of Masterpiece Hate. puff-puff-puff.

 

Special guest Carla from Burnt Korn, Alabama, reaches deep into the THN Haterbator Mailbag and produces a letter that gives all pause: O, how one longs for the days of Cold War duck & cover drills, where a student could escape reading aloud “Dick & Jane” to the whole class by hiding under a desk and pretending this would serve as protection from a Soviet nuclear punking. Instead, students today constantly partake in active shooter drills in the much more likely event that some dropout with an assault rifle will show up to scatter their brains across the chalkboard.

 

Co-host Arik is strapped (not with a gun!) for a comedic response. That said: “If you really want to get rid of school shootings, there’s only one solution: get rid of the kids. Not with a machine gun! Just stop sending them to school. Period. No more students, no more school shootings. I mean, who’s going to waste any bullets on a couple of janitors and a frumpy PE teacher?”

 

Arik is sick and tired of going into retail establishments and being asked at the end of a transaction if he’d like to make a donation. Sound engineer Pauly from Bali suggests that an easy way to end this practice is to tell the minimum wage cashier that you’ll match their personal donation. Better yet! Ask for the manager, and while the line piles up behind you, inform the manager you’ll be pleased as punch to match the entire management team’s collective donation.

 

Carla can’t stand sleep deprivation. Arik and Carla get into a tug-of-war over what’s worse: suffering with cataplexy, a rare form of insomnia that includes waking nightmares, or having to take care of a goblin Basset Hound puppy whose nose turns on every night at 1 a.m.

 

Meanwhile, Pauly interjects his hatred of pity parties.

 

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puff-puff-puff.