EPISODE 50 SYNOPSIS: THE HATEYS

 

“AND THE HATEY AWARD GOES TO…”

 

Achtung, Husky Ladies of Austria! Pay heed, to our Anonymous Superfans in Titusville, Florida, and Topeka, Kansas! It’s a special day of loathing and detestation ! Flips of the bird all around! 

 

Join us as we celebrate Episode 50 of The Hate Napkin with our special awards ceremony: The First Annual Hateys!

 

Today, one member of the beloved—I mean, despised—THN Gang will walk away with a coveted Bronze Fleur-de-Lis Napkin Holder!

 

Each member of the show nominates two of their favorite items on The Hate Napkin from the first 49 episodes. Then the THN Gang votes—or muddle wrestles, whatever it takes—to decide The Ultimate Hate Champion.

 

Special guest Carla from Burnt Korn, Alabama, leads off the nominations with co-host Arik’s WWW Rant from Episode 7: “Although you declared your hatred for the WWW part of URLs, throughout that episode and ever since, you haven’t been able to stop saying WWW. So I officially nominate the Orld Ide Eb.”

 

Carla also nominates Pauly from Bali for The Dreaded Webinar from Episode 8. Folks, this nomination clearly leads the pack early on. There are few things the THN Gang has abhorred over time more than Webinars—except perhaps Cancer Babies. “Webinars are hell—the absolute worst that humanity has to offer.”

 

Sound engineer Pauly from Bali presents the phrase “At the End of the Day” for nomination. This was part of Carla’s “Filler Word” Rant back in Episode 13. But wait, there’s more! Pauly also brings forward Weak Handshakes, another Carla gem, from Episode 33.

 

In a Will-Smith-crack-to-the-face moment of tension, Pauly openly declares his refusal to nominate Arik for a Hatey. Pauly’s mad that Arik has saddled him with the title of Sound Engineer: “We have the worst sound of any podcast in the world. Why do you keep telling people that’s my responsibility?!”

 

Arik just can’t pass on Carla’s Disquisition of the Tube Top in Episode 14. Carla accepts his nomination with abject humility: “The thing is, tube tops have a time and a place. But men wearing tube tops in Walmart is never the time nor ever the place.” 

 

For Arik’s second nomination, he really wanted to honor Pauly’s annoying “Tokay! Tokay!” call from Episode 21: “It was one of the most gut-bubbling funny things of all time. I actually peed myself on air a little.” Then there was Eric Clapton’s dead baby. At the end of the day, he puts forward Pauly’s Raw Vegan Rant from Episode 36.

 

The THN Gang then contemplates just what might be in the shopping cart of a Walmart Tube Topper. Moon Pies? K-Y Jelly? Glitter hair gel? SUDAFED®? The product possibilities are endless!

 

Drum roll, please! Ladies and Gentlemen, Muffin Tubers of all genders! The First Annual Hatey Award goes to…!

My name is Bob. You rarely hear from me directly. I’m the senior editor at THN Media. One of my responsibilities is to create the summaries for each episode. Most of the time, it’s really fun. Hell, no one even cares if I just make up stuff.

 

But I really don’t know what to do about Episode 49. At this week’s staff meeting, I suggested that we shove it in a missile casing and launch it toward North Korea. Everyone told me to get back to work.

 

Episode 49 started out fine enough. As you know, special guest Carla from Burnt Korn, Alabama, is also the manager of the local Dairy Queen. Co-host Arik asks her: “When you’re cleaning the DQ men’s room, instead of using urinal cakes, do you just drop a Dilly Bar in the urinal?”

 

Cute. Well, I thought so. Carla stared hard at Arik, then proceeded to read a lovely hate letter from Nikki Goldenheart: “Hello, my fellow dispensers of Hatorade! Let’s keep it simple. I hate vehicles that hog up all of the gas pumps on any one aisle at the gas station—especially Amish passenger vans!”

 

Carla follows this golden epistle by sharing her hatred of websites that refuse a user access until they sign up for the site. Pauly practically has a hategasm over this.

 

That’s when things go sideways. Pauly hates idiots—then throws himself on The Hate Napkin. (Clearly, he’s just positioning himself for an upcoming Hatey.)

 

Then Arik goes off the rails. He starts with a nostalgic sidebar about Kurt Vonnegut and the heyday of the short story. Then something about lot lizards and cheese curds at the local Kum & Go. Something something The Pooper. Then a story about the time when columnist Dan Savage visited the Columbia City Paper staff. Arik finally concludes with an aborted THN PSA about getting bodily fluids and excrement on the sheets during lovemaking.

 

Arik concludes: “There really isn’t any shame—it’s all just part of the human experience. We’re stuck on this tiny rock in the middle of a galaxy surrounded by billions of other galaxies with billions of stars.”

 

Um, not quite true. Actually, there is quite a bit of shame. And it’s called Episode 49.

 

Hello, everybody! Hey, Steve! Pass me a Budweiser! Let’s spread some seventh inning stretch hate! Sound engineer Pauly from Bali takes the hate baton and starts running. And he better run fast, because in his declaration of despising fat people wearing T-shirts, co-host Arik and special guest Carla from Burnt Korn, Alabama, show off their XXXL couture and threaten to sit on him until he’s a hapless little f$ckcake.

 

THN PSA: READ BANNED BOOKS! Next, co-host Arik hates having to give an enema to a loved one—not that he has ever had to, er, ASSuage a loved one’s pain. The THN Team plies him for more details, but Arik won’t budge. No, seriously, he can’t. He’s a fat man in a T-shirt. (We conclude this segment with an interview with Saudi Prince Inima Damama.)

 

Arik also can’t stand dick pics. It’s perfectly understandable that a random stranger doesn’t want an electronic eggplant sent to him or her sans invitation. But it’s just as problematic taking a photo of one’s own schlong and sending it across the ether to another human being, by request. Arik: “I mean, ultimately, someone else might be able to tell it’s my genitalia.” Pauly: “Dude, you’re not supposed to include your face in the photo!” Arik: “Oh.” WARNING TO YOUTUBE VIEWERS: Sigh.

 

Arik proceeds to show a dick pic. Carla saves the day with some basic everyday hate. She cannot stand retail labels that are impossibly stuck to products—especially when the label impairs the use of said product! For instance, if you’re a company that produces watering cans for plants and gardens, perhaps DO NOT place your large sticker over the GD spout!

 

Finally, why does every eligible bachelorette in this country have a New Age side gig? Why do you have to go outside in the middle of our date night movie and place water bottles within view of the full moon? And, no, I do not want to hear about my aura! But…would you like a dick pic?


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Sound engineer Pauly from Bali unleashes hate upon irresponsible dog owners. When two dogs are sniffing at each other apprehensively, the last thing they need is their owners to start screaming bloody murder and waving their hands like Kermit the Frog.
In Dogese, this translates to: “KILL THE BASTARD!” Co-host Arik, who was once bit in the nuts by a 170-pound Anatolian shepherd, agrees: “HEY FIDO! INSTEAD, TEAR OUT THE THROAT OF YOUR DUMB OWNER!” Arik surmises that The Hate Napkin’s success (wait, it’s successful?) is due to the fact that (1) Arik loves cats and hates dogs, (2) Pauly from Bali loves dogs and hates cats, and (3) Carla from Burnt Korn, Alabama, loves Arik and Pauly. Speaking of felines and canines, Carla has an announcement: Gus the photobombing hound had to be put down due to cancer. Yet Gus’ ashes remain in the video background in perpetuity for all to see. (How long will it be before Carla puts Arik and Pauly down? Stay tuned!) Next.
While the Arbor Day Foundation remains just about the only charity Arik will make donations to these days, he can’t entirely leave the ADF folks off the hook. “Every four days, I receive this HUGE packet of paper from the Arbor Day Foundation. So basically you took all my money, cut down a bunch of trees, then sent me the remains asking to help grow new ones. This is kind of like St. Jude asking you for funds on the skin of dead cancer babies.”
The bile in Arik has been building: he also can’t stand the celebrity overthrow of all forms of media, including podcasts! “Here we are, toiling away for 40-some episodes, and Andy Dick comes along and takes our penultimate spot at the bottom of the podcast ratings!”
Carla: “40 episodes of nothing. The Hate Napkin: the Seinfeld of podcasts.” Finally, we conclude with Arik’s bleeding anus and Pauly’s bloody party trick—plus Pauly pees himself, and Arik shovels his own poo!
This episode is sponsored by
· Anchor: The easiest way to make a podcast.
https://anchor.fm/app
Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/thehatenapkin/support

We begin the episode with an anonymous hate scrawl submitted to the THN Anal Mailbag: Any time you get a 1 a.m. work call that begins, “B*tch, you out your mo-fo mind?!” – the only proper response is, “Can I buy a vowel?”
Almost immediately, the show descends into a debate on male castration and women in the workforce. Compromise: either we get rid of all the balls of half of the men, or one ball of all the men. No matter what: all women get to go home and sip daquiris. Folks: we call this Progress.
THN PSA from sound engineer Pauly from Bali: “Unless you’re two gay men yapping at each other, it’s not acceptable to address someone as ‘b*tch.’” What about Clifford the Gay Pit Bull with one ball? Hmm. Co-host Arik hates humorless people. The world is a bag of shit. Laugh at it. Including, according to Pauly from Bali, the mop of orgiastic mophead pubes on the top of Arik’s head.
Arik: “Yeah, some days I feel like I just covered my pate in Elmer’s glue and dipped it in the toilet.” Well, at least he’s consistent. THN PSA II: Any time you feel insecure about your body, just remember, if you cut off any particular body part and put it on a paper plate, it would look silly. Doesn’t matter: noses, lips, anus, little toe, zozo.
Pauly from Bali: “Heck, the fun part is putting your toes and anus together!” Arik: “Add a little peanut butter, and you have yourself a party!” Next, a conversation about the hate we give to public figures. Once you sign on the dotted line to be famous and get your hair done by someone else on a daily basis, you’re open game. You’re no longer one of us.
So get ready to get b*itch-slapped at the Oscars or Golden Globes. And like it. In closing: Carla does not powder her bush. Does that make her a Brazilian?
This episode is sponsored by
· Anchor: The easiest way to make a podcast.
https://anchor.fm/app
Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/thehatenapkin/support