Merry Xmas! For once, special guest Carla from Burnt Korn, Alabama, gets lit. Who can blame her, as co-host Arik and sound engineer Pauly from Bali croon their favorite holiday tunes—then bang on music “legends” for unoriginal Christmas music. Grab a cup of nog and lotion up! Team THN celebrates the season as only they can.
puff-puff-puff. Welcome to another execrable episode—puff-puff-puff—of Masterpiece Hate. puff-puff-puff.
Special guest Carla from Burnt Korn, Alabama, reaches deep into the THN Haterbator Mailbag and produces a letter that gives all pause: O, how one longs for the days of Cold War duck & cover drills, where a student could escape reading aloud “Dick & Jane” to the whole class by hiding under a desk and pretending this would serve as protection from a Soviet nuclear punking. Instead, students today constantly partake in active shooter drills in the much more likely event that some dropout with an assault rifle will show up to scatter their brains across the chalkboard.
Co-host Arik is strapped (not with a gun!) for a comedic response. That said: “If you really want to get rid of school shootings, there’s only one solution: get rid of the kids. Not with a machine gun! Just stop sending them to school. Period. No more students, no more school shootings. I mean, who’s going to waste any bullets on a couple of janitors and a frumpy PE teacher?”
Arik is sick and tired of going into retail establishments and being asked at the end of a transaction if he’d like to make a donation. Sound engineer Pauly from Bali suggests that an easy way to end this practice is to tell the minimum wage cashier that you’ll match their personal donation. Better yet! Ask for the manager, and while the line piles up behind you, inform the manager you’ll be pleased as punch to match the entire management team’s collective donation.
Carla can’t stand sleep deprivation. Arik and Carla get into a tug-of-war over what’s worse: suffering with cataplexy, a rare form of insomnia that includes waking nightmares, or having to take care of a goblin Basset Hound puppy whose nose turns on every night at 1 a.m.
Meanwhile, Pauly interjects his hatred of pity parties.
puff-puff-puff. Leave a voicemail of something you hate: