Co-host Garrett is taking the night off—again. This time, he’s at the ballpark watching his beloved Atlanta Braves lose to the lowly Colorado Rockies. That said, he hates ballpark beer prices. Seriously, who wants to pay $15 for urinalysis in a plastic cup?

Carla from Burnt Korn, Alabama, is fed up with social media questionnaires. So, PLEASE, tell us about your love life with the fourth photo on your phone, then make a choice: either the suicide hotline or some braided rope.

Speaking of asses. What’s with one-ply toilet paper? Do the ultra-rich have four-ply, or do they pay other folks to wipe? Also, why aren’t there poop scenes in the arts? Carla doesn’t give a crap, while our poorly-endowed sound engineer Pauly from Bali makes it plain: to bidet or not bidet, that is the question.

Finally, Pauly from Bali sounds off on instant coffee. While Little Cletus refills mama’s coffee with “heavy cream,” the THN gang agrees: well-crafted bitter is best.

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