Let’s get physical! You’re here—the hardest part’s over! (No, co-host Arik has not been sweating it up in a local South Carolina cabaret—truly, he’s in his Planet Fitness gear.)

So: let’s get this hate party started! Arik hates websites that don’t pay their writers jack-poo. Every contributor to The Hate Napkin is a professional writer, and we all have felt the sting of no-pay for our lexical labor efforts. So, F all those websites—and a middle finger to every media outlet that screwed us over.

That said, as special guest Carla from Burnt Corn, Alabama, is quick to point out: “All swinging dicks with a keyboard so deemed themselves writers; upon which websites the world over were deluged with shitty writers—then said websites stopped paying professional writers—the result: now we get to read, well, shit.” Folks, what goes around, comes around.

“What does ‘deluged’ mean?” Sound Engineer Pauly from Bali, coming to us from Singapore, asks. FLOODED. It means FLOODED. Jesus, find a dictionary. Christ Almighty—2,000 years from now, future archeologists will discover three nobodies (plus no-show co-host Garrett) who chronicled all that was left to be said, and funny it was! Raconteur, baby! Look it up, too!

Other things we hate: “on accident” instead of “by accident.” Congeal. He-Man—and animation in general. Thanks for the bark of affirmation, Gus! More baht for your dong! Hold me closer, tiny nutsack. Nutpack scrotal sacks? The sound of squeaky Styrofoam while you drive? Click-click-click! Flipper! And all that jazz.

Carla: “I don’t know who’s F-ing a dolphin in the back—but knock it off!”

And there you go. For Carla. The worst. The worst. The worst. The best. (Where are you, B battery? We need you now.)

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