Special guest Carla from Burnt Korn, Alabama, reaches deep into the anals of the THN Mailbag for a couple of classic hate epistles: Jeff from Dampfstain, Ohio, wonders if it’s okay to burn down the house of the man who’s been driving around the neighborhood with a giant Russian flag attached to his vehicle.
Carla’s advice: Jeff, arson bad. But…if a flaming bag of dog kaka-poo ended up mysteriously being spread all over this Putin-lover’s porch, well, them’s the breaks.
Sound engineer Pauly from Bali sounds off on the disrespect shown to teachers: “When I tell people I teach ESL, they look at me like I’ve opened up a meth lab. Parents, students, administration—they’re all awful. So my advice to any teacher is: Quit. There’s just no reason to do something when you’re not appreciated.”
Meanwhile, co-host Arik can’t stand Wordle. Hey, New York Times! “Felch” is a five-letter word! Show it some love! Pauly: “Are you saying playing Wordle is like poking a straw at the alphabet. Sticking a straw in there and just sucking out all the juicy letters. What’s not to like?”
Speaking of sucking, Carla can’t stand bosses who say they like self-starters, then question every self-start the F out of you. Bosses: stop micromanaging! Also, disdain from Arik for QVC and HSN. Every time his elderly mother orders something off the boob tube, it shows up broken or the wrong size—or just plain “NO.” Thus, The Great Return begins.
Find a box the size of a glacier to return the three Bumblebee-Pattern Whisky Barrels that do NOT look nice in the garden. Search the internet for three days for a return slip. Go stand in line at the post office for a century.
Wait a millennia or two for your credit card to get reimbursed. By then, 18 more things have arrived to be returned. THN PSA: Do not put duct tape on your package. I mean, unless you’re into kinky.
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Special guest Carla from Burnt Korn, Alabama, leads off with a hate bargain. For a mere $1,500—or the price she paid in Mexico to have all her teeth extracted and replaced—you too can pay to have your dog’s infected tooth removed. Seriously, folks, next time your precious pooch has a toothache, scale The Wall with a couple of pesos and a burrito in your pocket and go visit Dr. Vasquez in Matamoros, Mexico.
Sound engineer Pauly from Bali next chimes in with a Hall of Hate, despicable phrase. There is nothing worse than when you’re debating a moron (who is standing up for a fascist, narcissist world leader), and they justify their position by telling you, “Just Google it.” Well, yes, there is something worse: when said idiot leading the rhetorical charge is a Frenchman. Don’t do it! Don’t do it!
Co-host Arik names the Orange Dung Gibbon and is instantly exiled to the THN Penalty Box. No, that really happened. “Just Snopes it.” Arik escapes the penalty box and rants about The Flat Earth Society. No, really, the Earth is a dirt pancake. It is! “You need to educate yourself.” Next up: predictive text! Why is my…POOP GREEN? POOP BLACK? POOP RED? POOP SMELLING LIKE A FRENCHMAN?
Why is my…SPACEBAR NOT WORKING? Um, think about that one. Why is my…CAT SHREDDING ALL MY TOILET PAPER? The Great Debate! Toilet Paper: Over the Top? Under the Top? Arik is an over-the-top kind of guy, but Carla makes a good point: she’s under the top, so the cat won’t shred all the toilet paper. “Just ask anyone.” And, finally, bringing up the rear: Why is my…DISCHARGE BROWN? Probably for the same reason: Why is my…THUMB NUMB? “Just ask Excite.”
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Please type “YES” if you want to listen to this episode. And “NO” if you want to rot everlastingly in the pit of hate hell. Please do not reply to this paragraph—no one is really listening.
To begin, co-host Arik smashes a plate of spaghetti hate against the wall: NO MORE MEDICAL APPOINTMENT TEXT & EMAIL REMINDERS! Especially at 7 a.m. a full week before said appointment is set to occur! Sound engineer Pauly from Bali shows he cares: “So, Arik, how did the anger management appointment go?”
Pauly then wastes several minutes calculating the cost of penile enlargement procedures in the U.S. healthcare system. Finally, Arik interjects with his hatred of “please see cashier for receipt” messages at gas stations.
The purpose of paying at the pump is so you don’t get stuck behind Lotto Man for 20 minutes! Special guest Carla from Burnt Korn, Alabama, blesses all with an interpretive dance of Arik at the pump, doing his irate where’s-my-receipt dance in Florida: “GAY! GAY! GAY! GAY! GAY! GAY! Ma’am, can I please have the bathroom key?”
Meanwhile, incoming text: “Kindly tap your foot three times in the bathroom stall, Senator Graham will be right with you.” Group Question Time! Who’s your most hated Dick Tater of all time? Carla is tired of Hitler glorification. She goes with Vladimir Putin. Now here’s an up-and-coming historical asshat without redeeming comic value.
Pauly however questions Putin’s long-term success; whereas, Hitler has a proven track record. Also, it’s almost the Fuhrer’s birthday. Just don’t tell him to blow out his candles! Arik wonders why Stalin and Mao always get short shrift? They murdered millions more than Hitler and never get credit for their hard work.
That said, he opts for the Duvalier’s of Haiti. I mean, there are very few successful father-son dictatorships out there. Papa and Baby Doc for the win!
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Hello. I am Kevin. You THN customer support rep. I am please to happy help you with all hate needs you have. No, I am not in Mumbai. I live in suburb fortress town known as Burnt Korn, Alabama. I am neighbor with show special guest Carla, who is local Queen Dairy. Cows worship her glands of fulness.
You like creamy butter? Let offer me you full-year supply THN Creamy Butter with your listen of Hate Napkin podcast. And now I reach into anal bag of hate mail now we will! Oh, sorry, I can no help with printer problem you have.
Let me transfer you to colleague Julia. //// Hi, cohost Arik, who is also driver for Uber! Julia this is! Oh no. You say Uber is worst corporate armpit on planet? What seems to be issue? You say faceless tech companies who sell out, and put dollar-making over actual service?
I am displeased to learn there are support service representatives who raise chickens in background of phone calls for one dollar per day. Please let me place you on hold while I find my script, which was eaten just now by screaming diaper baby. ////
Lord Almighty, we can all agree there isn’t enough hate in the world for foreign-based customer support call centers. Carla assures us there’s also room for hating naked men who drive SUVs onto front lawns—especially hers. Guess they’re serving Bath Salt Blizzards and Embalming Fluid Parfaits at the local Dairy Queen.
Meanwhile, Pauly from Bali is sick and tired of rating systems. “We don’t need a star system for educators! Teachers are supposed to be handing out gold stars, not pupils. Students don’t know anything! That’s why they’re being TAUGHT.” Speaking of which, co-host Garrett gets zero stars for ditching the show.
P.S. GAY! GAY! GAY! GAY! GAY! GAY! GAY! RAINBOW. UNICORN.
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Once in a while, we reach into the THN mailbag and discover a letter of such exquisite abhorrence that we set our delicate egos aside and grant a listener center stage as Epistolary First Chair of Hate. Such is the case with poor Steven of Urbandale, Illinois, who at the local grocery store recently battled Handicapped Hilda plus an army of social workers and police officers for the honor of his self-soiled elderly mother. (Shh. Don’t tell anyone that Steven keeps his ma locked in the back 40 shed and only feeds her Meow Mix.)
Co-host Arik follows this G.O.A.T. Hate Letter—only to be upstaged by sound engineer Pauly from Bali’s carafe o’ beer. Arik wades through the suds, then tells a St. Patrick’s Day rideshare horror tale of drunken zombie college students, who, just the night prior, attacked his poor Kia and left him for dead, whilst Officer Doolittle and his assistant Brenda whistled Dixie and gave each other pedis.
THN PSA: Please don’t mob-kill your Uber driver, even if he’s not wearing green.
Also, thanks for nothing, St. Patrick. You just had to return to the island of your tormenters to show them Jesus. Just so you know, so many centuries later, all it resulted in was an SUV mirror getting whacked by a four-sheets-to-the-wind freshman, and the near drawing and quartering of a perfectly innocent cabbie. So, Paddy, thank you for bringing the world one step closer to “The Purge.”
Pauly from Bali next directs our attention toward proper disgust: with the world on the verge of a major extinction moment, why the holy bleep are restaurants and cafes providing takeaway materials to in-house guests?! Also, we don’t need 8 million plastic straws for our beverages! Are you trying to make the Pacific Garbage Patch bigger than the Great Red Spot on Jupiter?!
THN PSA 2: The only time you need a bloody straw is for a coconut. Period. End of story! (Paid for by The Dirty Sanchez Fund to Make “Felch” a Wordle.)
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