Co-host Arik begins our 40th Episode with a travelogue tale of the Phallus Museum in Reykjavik, Iceland. Sadly, the female equivalent in nearby Keflavik is very hard to find—it’s just a hole in the wall. BA-DUM-CHING!
Anyway, if you ever want to know what a pig dick looks like, head to Iceland—or as special guest Carla from Burnt Korn, Alabama, says, “Save your money. Here’s my ex-husband’s address.”
Sound engineer Pauly from Bali wipes the floor with the Napkin of Hate—and it comes up covered in seafood on pizza. From clamshells that chip your teeth to ocean bed tubers to barnacle balls—enough! What the hell happened to good ol’ pepperoni and sausage? Folks, it’s time to reclaim mainland meat on ‘za!
Next, Arik leaps to the front of the line with a prodigious candidate of hate: why the hell are box stores like Target scanning our driver’s licenses when we buy alcohol—to say nothing of products like Benadryl?! It’s one thing to check someone’s age, but why are private enterprises amassing databases of our purchase of Barefoot wine? Carla’s take: “They assume we’re all running meth labs. Heck, in Burnt Korn, we all are.”
Arik steps to the plate again: dog owners who live in apartments that cannot accommodate large breeds. “If your domicile can’t handle a cow or a flock of sheep, then don’t make a Chow Chow live there.” Carla chimes in with her hatred of predatory late-night vet clinics that charge double one’s mortgage payment for basic care. Pauly: “If it costs more than $50, eat the animal or put it down.” Hmm.
Let’s welcome our new sponsor: THN Vet-in-the-Box and Hot Dog Stand! “Our dogs aren’t kickable, but they are lunchable!”
Finally, after a discussion of teen irresponsibility and lame excuses, we introduce another new sponsor: THN Crusty Towels! “Serious, mom, a bird flew threw the window and crapped on my face towel!”
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Co-host Arik from Columbia “Spank me, Sherman!” South Carolina announces The Hate Napkin’s newest sponsor: “THN Day Drinking.
That’s THN Day Drinking: sour grapes in the morning for everyone!” Uh-oh! Special guest Carla from Burnt Korn, Alabama, let’s slip that in addition to her key roles at the local Dairy Queen and newspaper, she’s also the president of the local chapter of Alcoholics Anonymous. Sound engineer Pauly from Bali also announces a new THN sponsor: Carla!
Speaking of, Arik throws AA on the napkin of despite. He admits that while AA has helped millions of people globally, his experience is a bit different. Once upon a time, he had a ton of sex in a big church in Virginia—or, was he a sexton? Lord knows. Just pass the communion cup. “Every time there was a break during an AA meeting, it was like the running of the bulls to get outside to inhale as many donuts, cigarettes and cups of coffee as humanly possible.”
So…if you’re just replacing alcohol with equally unhealthy doses of tobacco, sugar and caffeine…well, we’re just saying. Carla nods, while lighting up, sipping on her cup of joe and taking a spoonful from a bear claw Blizzard. (Um, on YouTube, we see that bottle of Barefoot wine in the background.)
Carla reaches deep inside the THN mailbag and produces a message from Renee from the Pacific Northwest: her recent use of the word “hung” on Facebook was taken by the Zuckerbots to mean “lynching.” So she’s been suspended—which is unfortunate, because she really was just referring to her gigantic male organ. Great letter, Renee. And thank you for being one of our best Turbo Force High Velocity Air Circulators! Um, fans.
Then we invite some kiddies to the bar, throw back some Kool-Aid vodkas and present them with a day-drinking crash course on the history of currency, which involves trading three goats for everything from shiny yellow metal to hidden sequences of 1s and 0s.
Plus, fun tongue moments and “Pekong” duck with Pauly! Note from THN Management (but not co-host Garrett): Arik accidentally referred to Africa as a country. We think it’s fair to refer to him as “incontinent.”
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It’s a beautiful day in the neighborhood, fellow haters! Well, actually, not quite. First, co-host Garrett remains holed up in his suburban apocalyptic bunker. Then, co-host Arik moronically declares this to be Episode 40. It’s not, it’s 38. Who the hell cares? Let’s dive into the molten lava pool of hate!
So, you’ve just daringly gone number 1 or 2 in a public restroom. You proceed to the sink to wash your hands. Law & Order sound cue: Dum! Dum! WTF?! Where’s the liquid soap? Who the holy F puts out hard hand soap for the lavatory masses? And are those pubes stuck to the bar?! Even special guest Carla from Burnt Korn, Alabama, knows better: the second she replaced soap bars with liquid soap, peanut buster parfait sales at the local Dairy Queen went up exponentially.
Sound engineer Pauly from Bali with the Line of the Day! “I hate a$$ soap investigations.”
Along the same lines, when the hell is Civilization going to banish bathroom air driers? Maybe we can’t stop global warming, but there’s still a chance to put an end to the spewing of “poop chemicals.” (Quick, someone tell Greta Thunberg.)
Meanwhile, Carla from Burnt Korn is tired of neo-new agers who drape themselves in crystals—who are definitely soap-free—and who apparently can see your aura even with their armpit hair flying in their face. Or as Carla puts it: “The fields in which I give a flying F about your hollow spiritualism are barren.”
Finally, Arik is fed up with people who use the dictionary in arguments. Anytime someone pulls out a dictionary during a debate, it’s a debate worth walking away from. Besides: “You brought a Webster’s, but I got 23 volumes of the Oxford English Dictionary, douchebag!” douche bag | \ ˈdüsh-ˌbag \ 1 usually douche bag : a bag used for giving douches 2 chiefly US slang : an obnoxious, offensive, or disgusting person
Finally, don’t ask Eric Clapton to be your babysitter.
#tearsinheaven
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Co-host Arik begins the show in the corner—literally. Bottom right of the screen, for those tuning in via YouTube. He’s pissed off special guest Carla from Burnt Korn, Alabama, and is trying to hide as best he can.
Meanwhile, sound engineer Pauly from Bali, who joins us from The Killing Fields of Cambodia, is drooling beer onto his lap. And co-host Garrett remains secluded from it all in a Colorado bomb shelter. A perfect start to exploring the anals of hate (with hot sauce)!
In celebration of cancel culture, Arik asks the question: if you could rid the planet of any one country, which one would go the way of the dodo? For example, maybe you’re sick and tired of all those consonants in Wales—too many vowel movements over time! Poof! Bye-bye, Wales.
Carla steps to the plate, and, like a god swatting a gnat, annihilates the West African nation of Burkina Faso. “I mean, it’s not like we have to worry about their nuclear arsenal or anything.” True, true. And, just like that, the 21 million inhabitants are no more. Upper Volta, nice knowin’ ya! Sad, they spent all that time outlawing female genital mutilation for nothing. (Note: the editorial board at THN LLC does not agree with willy-nilly nation-state annihilation.)
Pauly could care less about obliterating nations—he’s too upset about the fact that the dandruff shampoo he recently used at a hotel actually gave him dandruff! Well, duh. Why do you think they call it dandruff shampoo? No false marketing here.
Arik next regales all with a tale of his early days in Columbia, South Carolina, where he was presented at a restaurant with a plastic basket filled with insect larvae. Of course, these were actually boiled peanuts. His reaction to the taste? “Honestly, I would rather eat out Oscar the Grouch’s bumhole.”
Meanwhile, Carla can’t understand why her teenager doesn’t understand the importance of locking the doors. Then again, Cletus may be on to something, “What’s so bad about getting stabbed to death in your sleep?” Hmm. He has a point. Or maybe he’s just working out an early inheritance.
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Co-hosts Arik and Garrett remain on special assignment in Las Vegas. Which means: no yukatas, no chapkas, no chest hair shrubbery, no off-key Prince karaoke. Instead, we present to you the mellifluous radio sounds of special guest Carla from Burnt Korn, Alabama, and sound engineer Pauly from Bali.
What do we hate today? There’s a bone in my canine, dear Liza, dear Liza! For dog’s sake! Don’t feed other people’s pooches!
Also, Carla has had it with Gringo Zuckerberg and the new Skynet policy to survey anything a person might have typed three years ago and throw you in the social media pokey—even if autocorrect is to blame for changing your “mediation with your ex” to, um, “masturbation with your ex.” (No one’s getting off in that courtroom.)
What’s worse is that these megalithic social media companies have no human beings (not even in foreign-based call centers) to whom one might present one’s case for wrongful judgement. We now live at the whim of HAL 9000’s cross-wired, halfwit toaster brother, Walt. Thank goodness there’s a Facebook group for this: Baby Boomers Who Hate Books.
Finally, why the holy ribeye must vegans constantly announce themselves as vegans?! “Hi, I’m Bob, I’m a vegan. Did I tell you I was a vegan? Hey, have you heard the good news about veganism? Oh, and I’m a raw vegan. That means that when something falls from a tree, I flagellate myself with it until I’m bleeding. Then I dip the twig in my own red juices and eat it. Yum-vegan-yum!”
Hey, waiter! Can I get a veggie burger with three strips of bacon and a side of Catholic guilt?
#hooters #happyendingsunday
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