Once in a while, we reach into the THN mailbag and discover a letter of such exquisite abhorrence that we set our delicate egos aside and grant a listener center stage as Epistolary First Chair of Hate. Such is the case with poor Steven of Urbandale, Illinois, who at the local grocery store recently battled Handicapped Hilda plus an army of social workers and police officers for the honor of his self-soiled elderly mother. (Shh. Don’t tell anyone that Steven keeps his ma locked in the back 40 shed and only feeds her Meow Mix.)
Co-host Arik follows this G.O.A.T. Hate Letter—only to be upstaged by sound engineer Pauly from Bali’s carafe o’ beer. Arik wades through the suds, then tells a St. Patrick’s Day rideshare horror tale of drunken zombie college students, who, just the night prior, attacked his poor Kia and left him for dead, whilst Officer Doolittle and his assistant Brenda whistled Dixie and gave each other pedis.
THN PSA: Please don’t mob-kill your Uber driver, even if he’s not wearing green.
Also, thanks for nothing, St. Patrick. You just had to return to the island of your tormenters to show them Jesus. Just so you know, so many centuries later, all it resulted in was an SUV mirror getting whacked by a four-sheets-to-the-wind freshman, and the near drawing and quartering of a perfectly innocent cabbie. So, Paddy, thank you for bringing the world one step closer to “The Purge.”
Pauly from Bali next directs our attention toward proper disgust: with the world on the verge of a major extinction moment, why the holy bleep are restaurants and cafes providing takeaway materials to in-house guests?! Also, we don’t need 8 million plastic straws for our beverages! Are you trying to make the Pacific Garbage Patch bigger than the Great Red Spot on Jupiter?!
THN PSA 2: The only time you need a bloody straw is for a coconut. Period. End of story! (Paid for by The Dirty Sanchez Fund to Make “Felch” a Wordle.)
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