Things start off a bit limp-wristed thanks to special guest Carla from Burnt Korn, Alabama: “Have you ever met someone in a business setting, reached out for a handshake, and their hand suddenly flops flaccid? If women got boners, that’d be a boner killer.” Co-host Arik and sound engineer Pauly from Bali try to mansplain weak handshakes, but get distracted with fantasies of Stephen Hawking demonstrating Kama Sutra positions.

Pauly from Bali raises the stakes: what about clammy hands? Arik is pretty sure he ate one once at a Myrtle Beach seafood buffet—then he comes over the top with the miscalculated European kiss on the cheek: “They come in for the kiss, but you’ve already stuck out your hand—suddenly you’re conducting a breast exam of a foreign dignitary’s wife.” Carla recommends pausing halfway through all European kisses, so that the person ends up planting one on your nose.

Moving right along: Arik tries to nip a new technology in the bud. Who the hell invented Emotional Spellcheck? (WARNING: CAUSTIC TONE.) Because whoever did should be hung upside-down by their balls and slowly fed to a herd of starving swine. (WARNING: TESTICULAR LYNCHING AND DEATH BY PORCINE OMNIVORES.) Life is too short for such bullcrap. (WARNING: MOCKING DIMINUTIVE PHYSICAL CONDITION AND TASTELESS REMARK ABOUT BOVINE FECES.)

In short—I mean, VERTICALLY CHALLENGED—Emotional Spellcheck is a technology we can all do without.

Finally, what the hell happened to business etiquette? Do you really need a reservation in an empty restaurant? Also: hey, I took the time to SHOW UP at your business—are you really going to take customer phone calls before helping me? If so, let me introduce you to my droopy hand.

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