Tighten your mummy bandages! Slick back your werewolf cowlicks! Sharpen your vampire fangs! It’s a Halloween hate special!

Here’s what Carla from Burnt Korn, Alabama, hates about Halloween. Before you can say “trick or treat,” retailers from sea to shining sea have replaced scary clown masks with Harry Potter advent calendars. Heck, whatever happened to Turkey Day?

Co-host Arik knows: “Thanksgiving, the ugly stepchild of Yuletide.”

Sound engineer Pauly from Bali wonders why people feel compelled to give out candy. Why not potatoes? Paint little M’s on them and tell the little kiddies they’re not ripe yet. Or maybe just toss household items into the jack-o’-lanterns. Who couldn’t use an extra shaving razor?

Ah, the golden days of Halloween, when you could count on a solid “Hypodermic Needle Found in Almond Joy” headline in the next morning’s newspaper.

What’s the most hateful Halloween candy? It’s a toss up between Bit-O-Honey, Black Twizzlers and Whoppers. Also, Milk Duds: “I’m pretty sure they’re just harvested rabbit turds dusted with chocolate.”

Finally, everyone agrees: holiday-themed hate podcasts suck. Carla, let’s talk about this after you’ve calmed down a bit.

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