We begin the episode with an anonymous hate scrawl submitted to the THN Anal Mailbag: Any time you get a 1 a.m. work call that begins, “B*tch, you out your mo-fo mind?!” – the only proper response is, “Can I buy a vowel?”

Almost immediately, the show descends into a debate on male castration and women in the workforce. Compromise: either we get rid of all the balls of half of the men, or one ball of all the men. No matter what: all women get to go home and sip daquiris. Folks: we call this Progress.

THN PSA from sound engineer Pauly from Bali: “Unless you’re two gay men yapping at each other, it’s not acceptable to address someone as ‘b*tch.’” What about Clifford the Gay Pit Bull with one ball? Hmm. Co-host Arik hates humorless people. The world is a bag of shit. Laugh at it. Including, according to Pauly from Bali, the mop of orgiastic mophead pubes on the top of Arik’s head.

Arik: “Yeah, some days I feel like I just covered my pate in Elmer’s glue and dipped it in the toilet.” Well, at least he’s consistent. THN PSA II: Any time you feel insecure about your body, just remember, if you cut off any particular body part and put it on a paper plate, it would look silly. Doesn’t matter: noses, lips, anus, little toe, zozo.

Pauly from Bali: “Heck, the fun part is putting your toes and anus together!” Arik: “Add a little peanut butter, and you have yourself a party!” Next, a conversation about the hate we give to public figures. Once you sign on the dotted line to be famous and get your hair done by someone else on a daily basis, you’re open game. You’re no longer one of us.

So get ready to get b*itch-slapped at the Oscars or Golden Globes. And like it. In closing: Carla does not powder her bush. Does that make her a Brazilian?

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