Hail, hail! The whole “Hate Napkiner” gang is here! But first, a commercial break. Let’s hear a word from our sponsors. We have truckloads of erectile dysfunction pills and Matthew McConaughey luxury cars for sale! Come on, Hulu, enough with the ads! We’re already paying for a subscription.
Next, when did we start giving killers and sociopaths all the glory? Shouldn’t crime investigators get top billing? When did TV shows switch from “Touched by an Angel” to “Touched by an Uncle”?
Co-host Garrett is pissed off at pissing contests. Speaking of pissed: Carla from Burnt Corn, Alabama, can’t take it no more. When you’re in public, get control of your wilding children! Or Carla’s going to turn them into chili dogs at the local DQ Brazier. As for crying children on airplanes: what do you think cargo is for?
Finally, what’s an episode of The Hate Napkin without everyone drinking from annoying gift shop coffee mugs? From Memphis to Broadway to Petra, we’ve got ‘em! But Carla’s Atlanta glory hole mocha mug steals the show! She assures everyone it’s been test-driven at every major truck stop in the Deep South. And as sound engineer Pauly from Bali notes: “If you like cream in your coffee…”
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Carla from Burnt Corn, Alabama, gags with hate from folks who drown themselves in Old Spice cologne. Meanwhile, sound engineer Pauly from Bali is sick to death hearing people talk about their chakras. “I want my first and second eye opened by my morning coffee—who cares about my third eye!”
Co-host Arik poses a question to the group: what one food item belongs on the hate napkin? The end result: an egg salad, Brussels sprouts, succotash casserole dipped in lima bean juice. Bon appétit!
Next, the THN gang stumbles upon the ultimate conspiracy theory. The Illuminati has been working for centuries to foil society with idiotic designs of everything from poorly-placed lamp switches to oversized triangular tortilla chips.
“No offense, but” Carla hates vague-booking. We can’t tell you why, but we’ve been crying for hours. We might just have to shut down the show. Also, our chakras aren’t doing so well. So please send us your thoughts and prayers, and stay tuned for next week. Or maybe not.
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Why hate anal leakage, when you can despise dry heaving? So says freshly sober co-host Arik, who starts to confess that he’s an—when he’s interrupted by sound engineer Pauly from Bali, who hates public confessions from guilty Catholics.
Next, Carla from Burt Korn, Alabama, reads an uproarious letter from listener Brenda in Kalamazoo, Michigan. Brenda’s detestation of camouflage clothing leads the THN gang on a rant of camo couture idiocy, from ladies at the Walmart donning pink fatigues to camo-capped rednecks driving land yachts. Also, all these desert wars have simply ruined the jungle camo industry!
Arik shows off his Japanese yukata and laments that there are no Caucasian kaftans or other kinds of flowing male dresswear. Carla and Pauly suggest that Arik don a cassock and take advantage of priestly discounts on dry cleaning and lattes. Arik wishes the U.S. fashion industry would create a full-length wifebeater.
Finally, Pauly stuns all with a glorious denunciation of THE WEBINAR!
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Folks, we don’t need the Ws! Co-host Arik is steaming mad at the 23rd letter of the alphabet—especially when it comes to Al Gore’s most famous invention. Sound engineer Pauly from Bali nearly lands himself in the THN penalty box for venturing into political territory. Finally, it’s not a double-U. It’s a double-V!
Carla from Burnt Korn, Alabama, promises not to use any “ords” that use that letter. Also, she can’t stand hair bows on bald babies. Pauly from Bali is shocked, “Wait, those aren’t all cancer babies?”
Hmm. Did Art Garfunkel once allegedly refuse to pay his hospital parking fee, and allegedly destroy a parking arm gate with his sportscar? Everyone, sing along! “Are you going to pay your fare?”
Directionally-challenged Carla is sick of traffic circles. She can’t stand it when her GPS, Mildred, tells her, “Get off two quarter-circles ago, dummy!” Arik agrees, and recounts a traffic circle horror story from a failed honeymoon in Ireland.
Finally, Arik doesn’t hate dogs. Then again, he does hate animals that eat themselves to death. “Does that include humans?” Carla wonders. What’s even worse are cats that treat gourmet kitty food like litter box pellets. But nothing is lower than vegans who try to convert cats into vegetarians!
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Co-host Garrett is taking the night off—again. This time, he’s at the ballpark watching his beloved Atlanta Braves lose to the lowly Colorado Rockies. That said, he hates ballpark beer prices. Seriously, who wants to pay $15 for urinalysis in a plastic cup?
Carla from Burnt Korn, Alabama, is fed up with social media questionnaires. So, PLEASE, tell us about your love life with the fourth photo on your phone, then make a choice: either the suicide hotline or some braided rope.
Speaking of asses. What’s with one-ply toilet paper? Do the ultra-rich have four-ply, or do they pay other folks to wipe? Also, why aren’t there poop scenes in the arts? Carla doesn’t give a crap, while our poorly-endowed sound engineer Pauly from Bali makes it plain: to bidet or not bidet, that is the question.
Finally, Pauly from Bali sounds off on instant coffee. While Little Cletus refills mama’s coffee with “heavy cream,” the THN gang agrees: well-crafted bitter is best.
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