Category: Episodes

Special guest Carla from Burnt Korn, Alabama, leads off with a hate bargain. For a mere $1,500—or the price she paid in Mexico to have all her teeth extracted and replaced—you too can pay to have your dog’s infected tooth removed. Seriously, folks, next time your precious pooch has a toothache, scale The Wall with a couple of pesos and a burrito in your pocket and go visit Dr. Vasquez in Matamoros, Mexico.

Sound engineer Pauly from Bali next chimes in with a Hall of Hate, despicable phrase. There is nothing worse than when you’re debating a moron (who is standing up for a fascist, narcissist world leader), and they justify their position by telling you, “Just Google it.” Well, yes, there is something worse: when said idiot leading the rhetorical charge is a Frenchman. Don’t do it! Don’t do it!

Co-host Arik names the Orange Dung Gibbon and is instantly exiled to the THN Penalty Box. No, that really happened. “Just Snopes it.” Arik escapes the penalty box and rants about The Flat Earth Society. No, really, the Earth is a dirt pancake. It is! “You need to educate yourself.” Next up: predictive text! Why is my…POOP GREEN? POOP BLACK? POOP RED? POOP SMELLING LIKE A FRENCHMAN?

Why is my…SPACEBAR NOT WORKING? Um, think about that one. Why is my…CAT SHREDDING ALL MY TOILET PAPER? The Great Debate! Toilet Paper: Over the Top? Under the Top? Arik is an over-the-top kind of guy, but Carla makes a good point: she’s under the top, so the cat won’t shred all the toilet paper. “Just ask anyone.” And, finally, bringing up the rear: Why is my…DISCHARGE BROWN? Probably for the same reason: Why is my…THUMB NUMB? “Just ask Excite.”

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To begin, co-host Arik smashes a plate of spaghetti hate against the wall: NO MORE MEDICAL APPOINTMENT TEXT & EMAIL REMINDERS! Especially at 7 a.m. a full week before said appointment is set to occur! Sound engineer Pauly from Bali shows he cares: “So, Arik, how did the anger management appointment go?”

Pauly then wastes several minutes calculating the cost of penile enlargement procedures in the U.S. healthcare system. Finally, Arik interjects with his hatred of “please see cashier for receipt” messages at gas stations.

The purpose of paying at the pump is so you don’t get stuck behind Lotto Man for 20 minutes! Special guest Carla from Burnt Korn, Alabama, blesses all with an interpretive dance of Arik at the pump, doing his irate where’s-my-receipt dance in Florida: “GAY! GAY! GAY! GAY! GAY! GAY! Ma’am, can I please have the bathroom key?”

Meanwhile, incoming text: “Kindly tap your foot three times in the bathroom stall, Senator Graham will be right with you.” Group Question Time! Who’s your most hated Dick Tater of all time? Carla is tired of Hitler glorification. She goes with Vladimir Putin. Now here’s an up-and-coming historical asshat without redeeming comic value.

Pauly however questions Putin’s long-term success; whereas, Hitler has a proven track record. Also, it’s almost the Fuhrer’s birthday. Just don’t tell him to blow out his candles! Arik wonders why Stalin and Mao always get short shrift? They murdered millions more than Hitler and never get credit for their hard work.

That said, he opts for the Duvalier’s of Haiti. I mean, there are very few successful father-son dictatorships out there. Papa and Baby Doc for the win!

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This episode is sponsored by

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Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/thehatenapkin/support