Author: Arik

EPISODE 51 SYNOPSIS

 

“Relaxing Sphincters, Ass Wedging & Lying Teenagers”

 

Special guest Carla from Burnt Korn, Alabama, recent recipient of the First Annual Hatey Awards, kicks off the show: “Again, I’m truly honored. Now let’s just get out there and love people with a big ol’ heaping helping of hate.”

 

Co-host Arik agrees: “Except for Lotto Man. I f@cking despise Lotto Man.”

 

Sound engineer Pauly from Bali serves up smartphone hate on a plate, and it bytes! What the hell is with all this bloatware! A person has to become a full-blown computer programmer to remove all the unwanted, pre-installed apps that take up endless space on one’s phone—not to mention supposed “anti-spy” programs that actually track key movements. 

 

Arik throws up his arms. “Listen, if Big Brother wants to know whether I like to eat ass, or if I don’t like hirsute women, what the hell do I care?”

 

Carla takes notes so she can sell Arik’s info to Google. “So, salad tossing, good. Hairy pits, bad.” 

 

Next, Carla unearths a vein of pure, golden hate: lazy teenagers who lie. It would appear that Cletus is in the doghouse this week—which is convenient, given Gus the Wonder Hound’s recent departure for the canine afterlife. Once upon a time, children were scared to death to lie to their parents. Now, serial lying is a foundation for a future career as a CEO or politician. (Jeez, remove heavy beatings from the home, and look what happens.)

 

Pauly presents some cultural hate du jour: toilets that are installed too close to walls. “Everywhere I go in Asia, the toilet is right up against the wall! You can’t spread your legs wide enough to relax and let number two do its thing!” Arik foresees that without relaxing sphincters, the world may soon face a Hemorrhoid Pandemic! Carla concurs: for the sake of hygiene, no more ass wedging!

 

Thus begin The Great Toilet Tales of 2022, from Arik’s basement children’s toilet (the revenge of a contractor who was mad to be given one-ply TP during a major project), to Carla’s mysterious toilet-in-the-middle-of-the-room-with-no-walls basement. 

 

Folks, we often promise the anals of hate. This time, we deliver. 

 

FLUSH!

 

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EPISODE 50 SYNOPSIS: THE HATEYS

 

“AND THE HATEY AWARD GOES TO…”

 

Achtung, Husky Ladies of Austria! Pay heed, to our Anonymous Superfans in Titusville, Florida, and Topeka, Kansas! It’s a special day of loathing and detestation ! Flips of the bird all around! 

 

Join us as we celebrate Episode 50 of The Hate Napkin with our special awards ceremony: The First Annual Hateys!

 

Today, one member of the beloved—I mean, despised—THN Gang will walk away with a coveted Bronze Fleur-de-Lis Napkin Holder!

 

Each member of the show nominates two of their favorite items on The Hate Napkin from the first 49 episodes. Then the THN Gang votes—or muddle wrestles, whatever it takes—to decide The Ultimate Hate Champion.

 

Special guest Carla from Burnt Korn, Alabama, leads off the nominations with co-host Arik’s WWW Rant from Episode 7: “Although you declared your hatred for the WWW part of URLs, throughout that episode and ever since, you haven’t been able to stop saying WWW. So I officially nominate the Orld Ide Eb.”

 

Carla also nominates Pauly from Bali for The Dreaded Webinar from Episode 8. Folks, this nomination clearly leads the pack early on. There are few things the THN Gang has abhorred over time more than Webinars—except perhaps Cancer Babies. “Webinars are hell—the absolute worst that humanity has to offer.”

 

Sound engineer Pauly from Bali presents the phrase “At the End of the Day” for nomination. This was part of Carla’s “Filler Word” Rant back in Episode 13. But wait, there’s more! Pauly also brings forward Weak Handshakes, another Carla gem, from Episode 33.

 

In a Will-Smith-crack-to-the-face moment of tension, Pauly openly declares his refusal to nominate Arik for a Hatey. Pauly’s mad that Arik has saddled him with the title of Sound Engineer: “We have the worst sound of any podcast in the world. Why do you keep telling people that’s my responsibility?!”

 

Arik just can’t pass on Carla’s Disquisition of the Tube Top in Episode 14. Carla accepts his nomination with abject humility: “The thing is, tube tops have a time and a place. But men wearing tube tops in Walmart is never the time nor ever the place.” 

 

For Arik’s second nomination, he really wanted to honor Pauly’s annoying “Tokay! Tokay!” call from Episode 21: “It was one of the most gut-bubbling funny things of all time. I actually peed myself on air a little.” Then there was Eric Clapton’s dead baby. At the end of the day, he puts forward Pauly’s Raw Vegan Rant from Episode 36.

 

The THN Gang then contemplates just what might be in the shopping cart of a Walmart Tube Topper. Moon Pies? K-Y Jelly? Glitter hair gel? SUDAFED®? The product possibilities are endless!

 

Drum roll, please! Ladies and Gentlemen, Muffin Tubers of all genders! The First Annual Hatey Award goes to…!